Old Attitudes and New Developments

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything about our poly venture, mostly because there hasn’t been much to report. Our baby is growing (along with my belly) and we have both been too busy with our  businesses to even think about meeting people. Our OKCupid profile has been inactive for a couple of months and we have just been living our lives, spending time with our dogs (who are about to have puppies) and trying to relax when we’re not working.

However, we are still building a great foundation of openness, honesty and trust for that time when we are ready to venture out into other people’s lives (or beds, or both). Not that we have it all down yet. Right before I recently flew home to visit friends and family, I was talking to my ex-boyfriend about meeting up at a drum circle with some other friends, and I had this phone conversation right in front of my current boyfriend since I have nothing to hide and no ulterior motive–visiting with my ex is purely platonic.

However, when I got off the phone, my man asked, “Who was that?” to which I replied, “[Ex’s name].” Then he said, “Oh, that guy you fucked?” I know he does this partly to playfully irk me, but it shows his traditional attitude that anyone who previously put their penis inside his current woman is somehow an enemy. I sighed and said, “Why do you have to say it like that? We dated for two years, so yeah we had sex a couple times.”

And it’s not like this is the first time I’ve seen my ex since my man and I have been together, because I see him every time I go back to Dallas to visit, because he is a close friend of mine–and our relationship was hardly sexual even when we were together so it’s not like we’re hanging out for that reason. I think that most of the time it’s silly to cut ties with exes and have tried to remain friends with most of them when they are willing. That goes for people I’ve had casual sex and/or long-term “fuckbuddy” relationships with. To be honest, if I didn’t stay friends with people I’ve dated or slept with, I wouldn’t have many friends!

Anyhow, spending a few hours with my ex was really a non-issue, and I know his old attitude is slowly changing, but it’s something new and different to get used to. When someone has been taught that jealousy is normal and right their whole life, it’s difficult to think anything else even when presented with a new way of seeing relationships.

But the newest development in our relationship came last weekend, when my boyfriend went dancing downtown with his friends. He has been such a homebody the last few months that his friends miss him a lot and keep asking him to go out, and even still, I have to encourage him to go. He has connections at a few clubs downtown and can always get in big groups without waiting in line, and sometimes get free drinks.

Well, last Saturday he was at the club and started talking to some girls, passing joints and handing out his business cards. A couple days later, he got a text from one of the girls he smoked with, and from the first text he showed me, he has been honest with me about talking to her. They have been texting back and forth a lot over the last several days and would have met up, if she had stayed in town longer. Ironically, she’s from El Paso, Texas, same as where he is from.

He showed me her pictures and I said I thought she was cute, to which he responded sarcastically, “Oh, I’m so glad you approve.” I replied, “Would you rather I didn’t approve?” No, of course not. I asked him what it’s like to be able to talk to me about another girl, and he says he likes it that he doesn’t have to hide and lie anymore, and it’s different than any other experience with girls he’s dated in the past. He actually said, “I’m glad I have you.”

At the same time, he’s had a hard time being honest with her about our relationship. I asked him if he told her about me yet, and he said no, he didn’t want to scare her away. He even told her he doesn’t have a Facebook so she wouldn’t friend request him and see pictures of me and all the talk about our baby. Well, she found him online today and was upset that he lied to her about not having a profile. He said to me, “Most girls aren’t going to understand what you and I are doing.” I said, “Maybe, but some are. And you never know what someone’s gonna be okay with if you don’t tell them. It’s better to just be honest about it, because if you keep lying and she finds out, she will definitely be mad and probably never talk to you again.”

This is happening as I type, so the story is still developing. Hopefully he and this girl will eventually get to hang out again when she comes back to visit in March, and he won’t cause any more problems by continuing to lie about the fact that he has a girlfriend. But that’s up to him. So far they seem to be pretty excited about talking to each other and it excites me that he gets to experience a new kind of relationship that gives both of us the security we need and the freedom that we want.

Holding Hands

Advertisements

Ain’t Nobody Got Time For Dating

It’s been a busy couple of weeks, which is why I haven’t posted anything. We ended up moving at the beginning of this month, and although it wasn’t a huge ordeal it was still a good amount of work that had to be done. I came to San Diego 18 months ago with two suitcases stuffed with clothes, books and art, and I haven’t acquired much more since. The small yellow room in the big house in lovely Bonita is where I met all of the people I know here, including the man I love, and it will always be special to me. But it’s not exactly the environment in which to raise a child, so my boyfriend’s parents kindly let us take over the rent on their house and decided to move to Tijuana to save money. The way things work out perfectly like this always blows my mind.

However much a blessing this is, it’s also tripling our housing expenses so we have been very focused on the business. I am still waiting on unemployment and while I am theoretically “self employed” I haven’t quite figured out the how to get work just yet. But things are looking up, and we are working on other streams of income, such as running a booth at some swap meets around town and selling off old inventory, some of his mom’s garage sale finds that are collecting in the garage, and even seasonal knick knacks that can be bought online for wholesale prices.

On top of that, I caught a cold when I had to go to the doctor’s office for my ultrasound last week and I’m just now feeling above 90%. Also, sleep has been difficult because our female dog is in heat and the male can’t get enough (just like his owner). If we keep them together he will try to have sex all night, and if we keep them apart he whines all night.

We are both exhausted from the stresses of life, so it seems that meeting a girl is on the back burner for both of us, and we both seem to be O.K. with that. I think I was more concerned with him meeting someone than he was, because I’m worried I won’t be able to satisfy him sexually for much longer since I’m so tired. But he’s not worried.

We have had a “couple profile” on OKCupid and have not met anyone except the girl I already knew from church. I was trying to convince him to make his own profile so that he could talk to girls on his own, because the profile on there is more me than him. He didn’t say much about it when I brought it up. So I asked the question in the polyamory group on Facebook and got responses saying that separate profiles are the way to go.

When I told him about the response, and asked him again if he wanted to make his own profile, he told me that he didn’t want to. He said if he meets someone then he would let me know, but he’s not that interested in “finding someone.” I think a lot of times it’s just boredom that drives him to want to have sex with other girls, combined with a need for variety (which are kind of the same thing). I totally get that. My need for variety is combined with a need for being wanted, but variety is not at the top of the priorities right now.

His parents came from visiting family in El Paso with a huge bin of baby girl clothes and other essential playthings for our little Eva. That’s on our mind, and it’s hard for me to feel sexual when she is constantly kicking me. Also on our minds are his siblings who are, for now, staying in the parents’ house with us, and all of the relationships and drama that go along with them. They have been helpful with cleaning and cooking and helping with the dogs so I don’t mind them staying, but other issues still need to be resolved to have a peaceful household.

We’re not exactly putting a hold on polyamory, at least as far as I’m concerned, although we may not be actively searching for a girlfriend. The fact that the barriers are down between us and we can communicate with each other about our wants and needs is the best thing that’s happened to us. Our relationship has changed so much and we are both happier.  Even if we don’t have a girlfriend by the time the baby is here, we will both live, and we will deal with the challenges as they come with honesty and openness.

Questions Everywhere

Live A Life People Want To Be A Part Of

A couple weeks ago I posted a rant about online dating and how much it sucks. This came after I was disappointed at not getting responses from people I had been talking to on OKCupid. Well, I checked today and it turns out that I was the one who didn’t respond. I remember writing messages but either through my own mental lapse (yay pregnancy) or some kind of electronic fuckery (yay Mercury retrograde) they did not get sent.

But even before I discovered the error of my ire, I realized that I was wrong for saying that people online aren’t worth dating. I had so many people respond to my post saying they met their spouse or significant other online, and that I overgeneralized when I said they either don’t have a life or are too busy. I’ve had bad experiences dating people online, it’s true, but I’ve met some good people too.

In my experience, however, the most quality relationships I had were people I met in real life, when I was out doing the things I love to do and bettering myself. I met so many men and women by going to open mics in Dallas, and one of my longest relationships and best friendships started with a threesome after leaving an open mic (he and I dated for over a year, and she and I were ride or die bitches and roommates who had lots of fun times together).

I think those relationships were so great because I was doing what I enjoyed, performing poetry like the goddess I am, and spending time with creative, beautiful people who have similar interests as me. I was very happy, constantly creative and exuded self-confidence, therefore I attracted happy, artistic, exciting people. I was living my life and people wanted to join it.

My landlord, a relationship coach and fellow polyamorist, wrote a great article called The #1 Myth About Dating That Keeps People Stuck, which really got me thinking about my agenda right now. I am/We are looking for someone we like. We are trying to find this “certain someone” who is exactly right for us. And that’s the whole problem.

When we start trying to get to know ourselves and make improvements in our own lives, and stop looking, searching, trying to find someone else, the right person comes along. It’s cliche but true. That’s what happened when I met Johnny. Before we started dating, I had been single since moving to San Diego seven months earlier (my longest singlehood stretch), but I eventually got lonely and made an OKCupid profile since I had heard good things about it.

I met some people, had some dates, wasted a good solid month on a guy who ended up being an alcoholic nutcase, and for my final online dating gesture, invited a really sweet guy to a party and then proceeded to have sex with someone else (I know I’m an asshole, I never claimed to be a saint). For almost two months I perused OKCupid and just got fed up with it all, so I finally deleted my account and stopped looking. Instead, I lived my life, hung out with my friends, wrote poetry, cooked delicious food, went out dancing, and stopped trying to “find someone.”

Less than a month later, this guy I had known the entire time, who was a good friend of my roommates, walked in the door with a couple of friends and somehow I intuitively knew that we were going to hook up that night. We’ve been inseparable for almost a year now, and I didn’t need an algorithm to tell me how compatible we are. In fact, if we had been on OKCupid, we probably would be less than a 50% match. If he had ever written me, I would have never responded because he would’ve written something like, “whats up sexy dam you got a nice booty wanna smoke a blunt sumtime?” and I would’ve deleted it immediately. Yet we are perfect for each other in so many ways.

The point is, you can find people everywhere. Anywhere. In the most unexpected places. Around you already. Even on the internet. But the most important thing is to be actively living a life that other people want to join. Those are the type of people that I want to meet, so I want to be the type of person I would want to get to know.

That being said, I responded and apologized to the ladies I had neglected on OKC, and even though I probably missed out on meeting some of them because of the lapse in time, I learned a valuable lesson. Quality people can be found online (after all, I’m there *wink*). They can also be found at the grocery store, in a class, at the gym, at the bowling alley, at a live music show, at the dog park, and anywhere else you go.

I’m not going to put all my faith in OKC’s algorithm, but I’m not going to write it off either. What I did was enroll in a Spanish class, and made an effort to get out there. Not that I’m in class looking for a date, but if I meet someone while I’m trying to improve myself, the chances of meeting a quality person definitely improve too.

Live A Life That People Want To Be A Part Of

Down with Online Dating

The weekend apart was not what I was hoping for but exactly what I expected. Johnny and his family left in the RV Friday afternoon, leaving me and the dog at his shop. Other than having to talk to a few customers on Friday and Saturday morning, I didn’t have much to do running the business except sit here and watch Netflix while the painter worked on a couple of jobs he needed to finish.

I didn’t go out with anyone, meet any of the girls I’ve been talking to, or even get a response to sending them my phone number and telling them my boyfriend is out of town and I wanted to hang out. Which reminds me of something I knew but hoped wasn’t true:

The internet was wrong?Meeting people online SUCKS.

I don’t care what dating site or service or group or posting, people online are talking to other people online because they’re too scared, socially awkward, busy, or boring to meet people in person. In general, either they’re too busy with their real lives they don’t have time to actually meet, or they don’t have enough interests to get them out of the house to socialize with people with similar interests.

Seriously, once I was talking to a guy on OKCupid and I asked him what he liked to do. His response was, “I dunno, watch TV and jack off.” Real winner. Never met that guy.

Another guy I met during that time had a job that required travel, was part of a circus performance acrobatic group, had a primary girlfriend plus kids along with other girlfriends and a large social circle. We went on one date, had great chemistry and even kissed at the end of the night with the promise of a second date that never happened because he had a life that couldn’t handle one more person.

Yet another guy I met on eHarmony of all places was a 26 year old virgin who still lived at home and had an anime/manga collection that would make Japanese people nervous.

And then there’s the slew of people who I’ve had great conversations with online, via text and even on the phone, that flaked when it came time to meet in person and were never heard from again.

I’m not gonna lie and say it was always the other person who was a loser. I’ve been the flake who was too scared or socially awkward to meet up at times. So for the past couple of years, I’ve only turned to the internet to date when I a) didn’t really want to meet someone, I just wanted to talk, b) was in a new place and didn’t know anyone, or c) was desperate and didn’t really care about the quality of the person I met (eg Craigslist hookups).

This time, I guess it would fall under category b, not that I’m in a new place physically but we’re in a new place with polyamory and don’t know people who are into that.

Still, I know better. My landlord (also polyamorous and a relationship therapist) even gave me some resources for meeting other poly people in the area, like Kamala Devi, a poly advocate who runs meetups and other poly activities in San Diego. It would be a better use of my time to go to one of her Poly Potlucks than to cruise OKCupid but it also means really getting out there, being social and meeting people.

As much as I want that, I’m struggling with being antisocial right now (mostly due to the pregnancy/hormones/feeling fat) and worried that Johnny won’t want to go. I’m scared that he’ll get overwhelmed or won’t fit in. And it’s far to drive. And it’s a lot of time. And we’re lazy. I can go on with excuses but all I’m doing is just that: making excuses.

Meeting people online is not the way to go. If he wants to keep looking for girls online that’s fine with me, because either he will have success or he will have the same difficulties as me and stop looking. For me, it will only lead to disappointment and frustration, so I’m not going to do it anymore. I’m going to find out when the next poly event is and sign up.