Live A Life People Want To Be A Part Of

A couple weeks ago I posted a rant about online dating and how much it sucks. This came after I was disappointed at not getting responses from people I had been talking to on OKCupid. Well, I checked today and it turns out that I was the one who didn’t respond. I remember writing messages but either through my own mental lapse (yay pregnancy) or some kind of electronic fuckery (yay Mercury retrograde) they did not get sent.

But even before I discovered the error of my ire, I realized that I was wrong for saying that people online aren’t worth dating. I had so many people respond to my post saying they met their spouse or significant other online, and that I overgeneralized when I said they either don’t have a life or are too busy. I’ve had bad experiences dating people online, it’s true, but I’ve met some good people too.

In my experience, however, the most quality relationships I had were people I met in real life, when I was out doing the things I love to do and bettering myself. I met so many men and women by going to open mics in Dallas, and one of my longest relationships and best friendships started with a threesome after leaving an open mic (he and I dated for over a year, and she and I were ride or die bitches and roommates who had lots of fun times together).

I think those relationships were so great because I was doing what I enjoyed, performing poetry like the goddess I am, and spending time with creative, beautiful people who have similar interests as me. I was very happy, constantly creative and exuded self-confidence, therefore I attracted happy, artistic, exciting people. I was living my life and people wanted to join it.

My landlord, a relationship coach and fellow polyamorist, wrote a great article called The #1 Myth About Dating That Keeps People Stuck, which really got me thinking about my agenda right now. I am/We are looking for someone we like. We are trying to find this “certain someone” who is exactly right for us. And that’s the whole problem.

When we start trying to get to know ourselves and make improvements in our own lives, and stop looking, searching, trying to find someone else, the right person comes along. It’s cliche but true. That’s what happened when I met Johnny. Before we started dating, I had been single since moving to San Diego seven months earlier (my longest singlehood stretch), but I eventually got lonely and made an OKCupid profile since I had heard good things about it.

I met some people, had some dates, wasted a good solid month on a guy who ended up being an alcoholic nutcase, and for my final online dating gesture, invited a really sweet guy to a party and then proceeded to have sex with someone else (I know I’m an asshole, I never claimed to be a saint). For almost two months I perused OKCupid and just got fed up with it all, so I finally deleted my account and stopped looking. Instead, I lived my life, hung out with my friends, wrote poetry, cooked delicious food, went out dancing, and stopped trying to “find someone.”

Less than a month later, this guy I had known the entire time, who was a good friend of my roommates, walked in the door with a couple of friends and somehow I intuitively knew that we were going to hook up that night. We’ve been inseparable for almost a year now, and I didn’t need an algorithm to tell me how compatible we are. In fact, if we had been on OKCupid, we probably would be less than a 50% match. If he had ever written me, I would have never responded because he would’ve written something like, “whats up sexy dam you got a nice booty wanna smoke a blunt sumtime?” and I would’ve deleted it immediately. Yet we are perfect for each other in so many ways.

The point is, you can find people everywhere. Anywhere. In the most unexpected places. Around you already. Even on the internet. But the most important thing is to be actively living a life that other people want to join. Those are the type of people that I want to meet, so I want to be the type of person I would want to get to know.

That being said, I responded and apologized to the ladies I had neglected on OKC, and even though I probably missed out on meeting some of them because of the lapse in time, I learned a valuable lesson. Quality people can be found online (after all, I’m there *wink*). They can also be found at the grocery store, in a class, at the gym, at the bowling alley, at a live music show, at the dog park, and anywhere else you go.

I’m not going to put all my faith in OKC’s algorithm, but I’m not going to write it off either. What I did was enroll in a Spanish class, and made an effort to get out there. Not that I’m in class looking for a date, but if I meet someone while I’m trying to improve myself, the chances of meeting a quality person definitely improve too.

Live A Life That People Want To Be A Part Of

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Moving Right Along with Polyamory

I’m happy to report that we are moving forward with our polyamory venture. The last few days have been interesting as we created some online dating profiles (as a couple for now) and talked about what our wants/needs are.

Pay AttentionThe funny thing is that neither of us is in a big hurry to have sex with someone else. When we had it out last week, he told me he needs attention. In reality, he needs constant attention. I have gone to work with him every day this week (one of the perks of owning your own business) just to hang out, help him with the shop, and I do my own work while he does his. I asked him on Wednesday how it was having me there, and he said he likes it. I told him if he changed his mind to just let me know, and he said he would. There have even been days where I wanted to stay home to clean, do laundry, or whatever, and he said he would rather have me at work with him.

It’s nice that he wants me around all the time. Yes, it would be great to have a couple of hours to myself, but I don’t even know what I would do differently. The other night, his friends invited him bowling to practice for our league, and I encouraged him to go hang out with the guys for a night. Unfortunately, our car had some electrical problems that night which took out the brake lights, and he didn’t want to risk driving, so he stayed at home and was just fine with that.

Last night he was invited out again to a nightclub with some of our friends and chose to stay home. He said, “Now that I have your permission to go out and look for a girlfriend, I don’t even want to.” Ironic, but it totally makes sense right now. This new level of communication allows so much potential for freedom that the restricted feeling is gone, and the urgency of wanting goes away. I’m sure his apathy will pass in the next 20 weeks (because I’m sure my sex drive will diminish before the baby arrives, and then after, I won’t have the constant attention to give him).

When we talked about what we want and need from relationships, he really didn’t have much to ask for. He said I take care of him and treat him well and that when “she” (whoever she is) comes around it will be even better, but for now he’s ok.

As for me, I’m not itching to dive face-first into pussy or dick right this second either. I’m being well taken care of by this wonderful man, and pregnancy has caused my introverted side to take over anyway. It would be nice, in a few months, to have someone to help give attention to my man, and if she liked to cook and clean and take care of a newborn, that would be an excellent bonus.

okcupid logoIn the meantime, we’re cruising OKCupid to see who’s out there. Funny enough, I was browsing and saw a girl we met at church a few weeks ago (we go to the Unitarian Universalist church because he’s Christian and I’m not). She’s a military wife with a 3 year old who had talked to us when we first started going, and I found out from her profile she’s bisexual and poly and we have some other interests in common. It was cool “meeting” her on there, and we exchanged some messages and decided to get a bite to eat after church tomorrow. Not sure if anything will come of it, but I think we could be friends.

That’s what it’s all about anyway. Making new friends, with or without benefits, and the freedom of being honest with each other. It’s little mental changes that make all the difference. He likes that he doesn’t have to hide conversations with ex-girlfriends, or when he checks out a girl at the store, or when a customer comes in and flirts with him. I like that I don’t feel guilty for looking at other people or watching weird bondage porn because I know he won’t judge me. I like this comfortable communication, too, because we are tiptoeing into a deeper level of intimacy that I don’t think either of us has experienced, but we are both looking forward to.