Ain’t Nobody Got Time For Dating

It’s been a busy couple of weeks, which is why I haven’t posted anything. We ended up moving at the beginning of this month, and although it wasn’t a huge ordeal it was still a good amount of work that had to be done. I came to San Diego 18 months ago with two suitcases stuffed with clothes, books and art, and I haven’t acquired much more since. The small yellow room in the big house in lovely Bonita is where I met all of the people I know here, including the man I love, and it will always be special to me. But it’s not exactly the environment in which to raise a child, so my boyfriend’s parents kindly let us take over the rent on their house and decided to move to Tijuana to save money. The way things work out perfectly like this always blows my mind.

However much a blessing this is, it’s also tripling our housing expenses so we have been very focused on the business. I am still waiting on unemployment and while I am theoretically “self employed” I haven’t quite figured out the how to get work just yet. But things are looking up, and we are working on other streams of income, such as running a booth at some swap meets around town and selling off old inventory, some of his mom’s garage sale finds that are collecting in the garage, and even seasonal knick knacks that can be bought online for wholesale prices.

On top of that, I caught a cold when I had to go to the doctor’s office for my ultrasound last week and I’m just now feeling above 90%. Also, sleep has been difficult because our female dog is in heat and the male can’t get enough (just like his owner). If we keep them together he will try to have sex all night, and if we keep them apart he whines all night.

We are both exhausted from the stresses of life, so it seems that meeting a girl is on the back burner for both of us, and we both seem to be O.K. with that. I think I was more concerned with him meeting someone than he was, because I’m worried I won’t be able to satisfy him sexually for much longer since I’m so tired. But he’s not worried.

We have had a “couple profile” on OKCupid and have not met anyone except the girl I already knew from church. I was trying to convince him to make his own profile so that he could talk to girls on his own, because the profile on there is more me than him. He didn’t say much about it when I brought it up. So I asked the question in the polyamory group on Facebook and got responses saying that separate profiles are the way to go.

When I told him about the response, and asked him again if he wanted to make his own profile, he told me that he didn’t want to. He said if he meets someone then he would let me know, but he’s not that interested in “finding someone.” I think a lot of times it’s just boredom that drives him to want to have sex with other girls, combined with a need for variety (which are kind of the same thing). I totally get that. My need for variety is combined with a need for being wanted, but variety is not at the top of the priorities right now.

His parents came from visiting family in El Paso with a huge bin of baby girl clothes and other essential playthings for our little Eva. That’s on our mind, and it’s hard for me to feel sexual when she is constantly kicking me. Also on our minds are his siblings who are, for now, staying in the parents’ house with us, and all of the relationships and drama that go along with them. They have been helpful with cleaning and cooking and helping with the dogs so I don’t mind them staying, but other issues still need to be resolved to have a peaceful household.

We’re not exactly putting a hold on polyamory, at least as far as I’m concerned, although we may not be actively searching for a girlfriend. The fact that the barriers are down between us and we can communicate with each other about our wants and needs is the best thing that’s happened to us. Our relationship has changed so much and we are both happier.  Even if we don’t have a girlfriend by the time the baby is here, we will both live, and we will deal with the challenges as they come with honesty and openness.

Questions Everywhere

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Moving Right Along with Polyamory

I’m happy to report that we are moving forward with our polyamory venture. The last few days have been interesting as we created some online dating profiles (as a couple for now) and talked about what our wants/needs are.

Pay AttentionThe funny thing is that neither of us is in a big hurry to have sex with someone else. When we had it out last week, he told me he needs attention. In reality, he needs constant attention. I have gone to work with him every day this week (one of the perks of owning your own business) just to hang out, help him with the shop, and I do my own work while he does his. I asked him on Wednesday how it was having me there, and he said he likes it. I told him if he changed his mind to just let me know, and he said he would. There have even been days where I wanted to stay home to clean, do laundry, or whatever, and he said he would rather have me at work with him.

It’s nice that he wants me around all the time. Yes, it would be great to have a couple of hours to myself, but I don’t even know what I would do differently. The other night, his friends invited him bowling to practice for our league, and I encouraged him to go hang out with the guys for a night. Unfortunately, our car had some electrical problems that night which took out the brake lights, and he didn’t want to risk driving, so he stayed at home and was just fine with that.

Last night he was invited out again to a nightclub with some of our friends and chose to stay home. He said, “Now that I have your permission to go out and look for a girlfriend, I don’t even want to.” Ironic, but it totally makes sense right now. This new level of communication allows so much potential for freedom that the restricted feeling is gone, and the urgency of wanting goes away. I’m sure his apathy will pass in the next 20 weeks (because I’m sure my sex drive will diminish before the baby arrives, and then after, I won’t have the constant attention to give him).

When we talked about what we want and need from relationships, he really didn’t have much to ask for. He said I take care of him and treat him well and that when “she” (whoever she is) comes around it will be even better, but for now he’s ok.

As for me, I’m not itching to dive face-first into pussy or dick right this second either. I’m being well taken care of by this wonderful man, and pregnancy has caused my introverted side to take over anyway. It would be nice, in a few months, to have someone to help give attention to my man, and if she liked to cook and clean and take care of a newborn, that would be an excellent bonus.

okcupid logoIn the meantime, we’re cruising OKCupid to see who’s out there. Funny enough, I was browsing and saw a girl we met at church a few weeks ago (we go to the Unitarian Universalist church because he’s Christian and I’m not). She’s a military wife with a 3 year old who had talked to us when we first started going, and I found out from her profile she’s bisexual and poly and we have some other interests in common. It was cool “meeting” her on there, and we exchanged some messages and decided to get a bite to eat after church tomorrow. Not sure if anything will come of it, but I think we could be friends.

That’s what it’s all about anyway. Making new friends, with or without benefits, and the freedom of being honest with each other. It’s little mental changes that make all the difference. He likes that he doesn’t have to hide conversations with ex-girlfriends, or when he checks out a girl at the store, or when a customer comes in and flirts with him. I like that I don’t feel guilty for looking at other people or watching weird bondage porn because I know he won’t judge me. I like this comfortable communication, too, because we are tiptoeing into a deeper level of intimacy that I don’t think either of us has experienced, but we are both looking forward to.

The Venture Begins

Love isn’t always simple and today you have an opportunity to experience a more complicated kind of pleasure. Beautiful Venus usually adds sweetness and grace to your life but an uneasy aspect from shadowy Pluto offers up sensual delights from the hidden recesses of your subconscious mind. No matter what, don’t let fear stand in your way of a meaningful experience. Open your heart and let love in.  http://www.tarot.com/astrology/daily-horoscope/pisces-horoscope/?scopeDay=20131002

With a horoscope like that, it makes sense that I would have the conversation today. I’d been thinking about it for a couple days, that now was the time to seriously talk about opening our relationship, before something bad happens or someone gets hurt. But we are also on a time frame because we’re having a baby soon and ideally I’d like to have a girlfriend for both of us before then, so that when I’m recovering or too tired or not feeling up for it, he will have someone to have sex with. Does that sound crazy? Oddly enough, I feel like this is the least crazy thing to do right now. Crazy is expecting to have 100% of your needs filled by one person, for the rest of your life.

To be honest, I’ve wanted a polyamorous relationship since before I was with my current partner and have had open relationships in the past. Who’s to say whether they were successful or not? I mean, they all ended, but is a “forever relationship” the only kind that can be considered successful? They worked while they worked and ended for reasons that had nothing to do with an open lifestyle, so in that way I consider them successful. But those relationships were also different than my current situation, because I was less invested in the people I was with before. Like I said, my boyfriend and I are having a baby in about four months, and while we’re not sure if marriage is right for us, we definitely want to be together and raise our child together for as long as possible.

I’m not going to say it’s all for him, but the reason I’m bringing up polyamory now is because I want us to be honest and open with each other, so that cheating doesn’t happen. Cheating has become almost an accepted way of life for a lot of people, and I’m of the opinion that it’s wrong and unnecessary. I’m not a jealous person, I just don’t like being lied to. I’m more than happy to share as long as it’s fair and it’s out in the open, not secretive and selfish. Since I caught him lying to me and trying to meet up with another girl a few months ago, I’ve been suspicious, jealous, watching his every move, and he’s defensive, more secretive and still lying. I don’t like being like this, and I’m sure he doesn’t either. Another girlfriend might be just the thing he needs.

But I also miss having a girlfriend. It’s been a year and a half since I’ve been with a woman, and the last one broke my heart, but I miss having a deep connection with another female like me. I also love boobs and pussy and it’s been a long time since I’ve touched them. I want to share another woman with my man, but I also want her to myself sometimes.

It’s not like we’re gonna go get a girlfriend today or even put up an OKCupid profile just yet. I’m reading up first. The Ethical Slut and Opening Up are both open on my computer right now, so I can learn as much as I can to make this relationship work. It might be a month or so before we meet up with a girl and that’s ok, because I want to find a lasting relationship with someone, and don’t want to enter into this on a whim and hope it works. That’s just a recipe for disaster.

This is just the beginning of our journey, our venture into polyamory together, and I have no idea what’s going to happen. That’s part of the fun of it, right?

Polyamory by Matthew Bobbu